Living Your Design Isn't Always Easy
During a profound shattering it may seem like you're never going to come out on the other side. Each of us have layers and layers of past conditioning that is neutralized, as cellular transformation is realized.
In my HD experiment I've been experiencing an ongoing Shattering, mutating in pulses throughout the last few years and would like to share it with you all. This transformation is centered around my Undefined Splenic Center (survival recognition function) and completely Open Heart Center (willpower function).
My Story
For years, on and off for decades, I actively avoided looking at my face in the mirror. It was too triggering for me to me to endure, spiraling me into unhealthy excesses to avoid feeling. I would go days without seeing my reflection. Most of the time only taking momentary glances to make sure that I was semi presentable to the outside world. At various points throughout my life, I’ve encountered others telling me how pretty they thought I was. They often confessed wishing they could go without makeup too. I just didn’t see what they saw and was skeptical of their complements. They never knew the truth of why I hardly wore any.
I don’t remember what my face even looked like before the scar was there. I was such a small child when the incident occurred that left that gash above the corner of my lip. But I remember the moment it happened, reliving the horror in my dreams and, often, while I was awake. The terror, the lack of security, unable to defend myself as I cowered in fear. I still feel the aftershocks when my emotional wave is low.
My mind taunting me with a persistent, lingering false belief that I wasn’t worth protecting.
That I wasn’t worth it, or anything.
Tainted Self-Love
That voice in the back of my mind has tainted my entire life since. Destroying any hope that I would actually find happiness within, always looking outside myself to fill a void. Neediness encompassed most of my decisions and actions. Proving I was “good enough” was a norm. Always looking for someone or something that would allow me to grasp a “love that would fix it all.”
I dulled my senses just to be able to look in the mirror and “doll” myself up. At times I abandoned my natural gifts to conform to what others thought I should be. Trying to prove that I was good enough for them. Holding onto things that weren’t good for me because I wanted to be ‘loved’.
At the time, I didn’t know a better way.
I do now.
Now don’t get me wrong, I tried. I’ve not just been sitting on my hands for decades. Starting when I was 7, I began my quest to self-heal. By the time I was 13, I could comprehend more complex ideas and started intense research in the fields of healing, self-help and psychology.
I’ve studied so many systems. Shadow-hunted the hell out of my deep-rooted fears and unhealthy conditioning. Sat through countless hours of meditation and self-hypnosis in an attempt to unlock self-love. I’m far from that terrified little girl I was 36 years ago, and yet I was still triggered by the memory, especially when it came to embracing my self-worth.
My Worth is Not Determined by the Actions of Others
And now, years into my Human Design experiment, I confidently say that when I look in a mirror, I LOVE what I see. All of it. Even the messy bits. And sure, the memories are still there, but the pain. The pain has gone.
I didn’t get to this point alone. I have the best entourage a gal could ever dream up. A wolf pack of the most empowering humans that are deep into their own HD experiments. Including a mentor who is not afraid to share the messiness of her past to help us forge ahead through the trenches.
As a Projector, this is exactly what I need. I learn about myself through learning about others. Each of us radically living our own experiments while empowering, sharing, and supporting each other.
The other day, I looked into the mirror and declared, “I love you.” It wasn't the first time that I had reflected those words back at myself, but this time it felt different.
I Felt Cool, Calm & Emotionally Clear
While gazing lovingly at myself, a Flaming Lips song stole the scene. It’s been one of my favorites since I was a teen and completely encompasses what self-love feels like to me.
I’d like to share the lyrics and their official video with you.
“When You Smile” by The Flaming Lips
It’s like I never had to see it in your eyes or feel it I could tell
When you smile.
It’s like I didn’t need to say anything or do much, I could tell
When you smile
All of the subatomic pieces come together and
Unfold themselves in a second...
Every single molecule is right, when
All of the subatomic pieces come together and unfold
Themselves in a second.
written under the Cosmic Influence of
ⵙ 43.5 ⴲ 23.5
I originally published this article with no expectations on HumanDesign.LIVE, the safe space that was lovingly created by Laveena for our Fractal to learn from sourced based material and support each other as we continue on with our personal Human Design Experiment.
I would say that I am surprised by the number of responses I have received when I shared my story, but with my design, I often draw in those who need someone to listen to what they're going through. Each message has been rich with stories of similar experiences.
One of the greatest joys I have uncovered with Human Design is the ability to not only more clearly see myself, but also see others and where their struggles may come from.
Thank you to all of you that have trusted me with your personal stories. I adore your courage to share.
Sometimes it helps to be able to share what you’re going through with someone who just plain gets it.
I invite you to reach out to me if you are looking for support for your own Human Design Experiment and deconditioning process.
